Top 10 Movies/Documentaries

jbucks00

Dec 6, 20182 min read

Updated: Dec 10, 2018

I find people whose humor is centered around specific excerpts from movies to be quite disturbing. I would rather listen to one delve into a “Three men walked into a bar” type joke, repeatedly for hours, than be in the midst of a back and forth movie quotation shouting battle. Anyone unironically stealing Yoda's vocal features as a grown adult and applying them in any real-life sense wholeheartedly deserves to be exiled to hell. My manhood should not be in jeopardy if I can’t quote Don Corleone, it should be solidified. Maybe I have an unhealthy history with film. Too many times have I watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with a bowl of more than burnt popcorn, doused in the evils of what is Earth Balance butter. My father, by my side, gurgling in his spit as he snores, only to wake up at the end credits, puzzled, demanding “What did I miss?”, Is just as exacerbating. Media conglomerates, explicitly Disney, churning out their Princess and the Frog bullshit, have left me with little to hope for in a world of squares. But 2018 changed my cinematic mindset. It turns out there were movies made before 2000, carrying original characters and genuinely unusual narratives. Anti-comedies, 80’s science fictions, silent films, dwarf protagonists, and documentaries, actually exist. I thought it might be of some value, mainly for myself, to compile a top ten list of what I stumbled upon.

In no form is this ordered in any sort of favorable order as I would have too much trouble. I debated upon giving each trailer humorous captions but eventually gave up due to pure lethargy. Enjoy-

The Impossible Kid:

For those disappointed James Bond wasn't played by a Pilipino dwarf with karate skills and a laidback personality, this movie is for you. I don't know where to start. Complete thievery of the Pink Panther soundtrack, racism, sexism, ableism, unnecessary explosions, full frontal nudity, this movie has it all!

Bad Taste:

It's hard to think Peter Jackson, the same Peter Jackson with an Oscar under his belt, figured "Human meat harvesting alien invaders looking to start a new chain of franchised human meat based fast food restaurants" was a plot worth making a movie out of.

MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE

FANTASTIC PLANET

OPERATION CONDOR

Jackie Chan movies are closer to pornos than they are to movies. Nobody watches porn for the acting, or, uhh most don't, and the same could be said for Operation Condor. The plot doesn't make sense and it doesn't need to because Jackie Chan can drop kick villains without touching them.