Miscellaneous Questions

I question a lot of things as one would battling through the merits of nihilism. I don’t understand many things. Why is it polite for a restaurant busboy to consistently fill your glass of tap water to the point of overflow? Why do people get dressed up for funerals, as if the deceased is going to be impressed by your formality of a suit and tie? Is underwear even necessary? These are nothing but questions of true importance, vital to our democracy and state of the union.

Every poetry teacher I’ve ever had has addressed this sense of “there are no stupid questions to be asked.” This statement is full of falsities. I’ve only had one poetry teacher, Miss Parsons, who I still hold responsible for grading my ode to chest hair a mere 80. The second inexactness, there are stupid questions that can be asked, such including of, “Is underwear even necessary?” That’s where my frustration stems. How are we supposed to thrive and prosper in a system of pretenses? What if I want to know why I have blood in my stool without circumferencing to the evils of what is WebMD? Stupid questions need a humanized response, not that of the internet. I am here for you all.

Busboys are obnoxious beings. Unusually scrawny, nervous beings, always dripping tap water and forehead sweat upon your ironed tablecloth, realizing an awkward “sorry” must follow, for fear of job termination. Tap water is somewhat of an odd concept to garner. I mean, whose water are we tapping! Wow, tap water jokes are hilarious, I just fell out of my seat writing that. But seriously, why tap water and why do busboys feel obligated to fill an already full cup of water regularly. According to Alex Trendler, beverage director, at a fancy schmancy NYC hotel, (His words, not mine), many countries in Europe are legally required to serve tap water if licensed to serve alcohol. In America, it differs from state to state. I know I can trust Alex Trendler as he posted that upon Quora and when is Quora ever wrong. But to continue upon this questioning of tap water and busboy exploitation, we must look further. If we refer to the Cambridge online dictionary, the definition of Busboy is defined as “a person who helps in a restaurant, esp. by carrying dishes, passing out bread, and filling water glasses.” That’s a bleak job title. I’ve come to the necessary conclusion it’s not polite for a restaurant busboy to consistently overfill one's glass of tap water. It’s out of true defiance one even becomes a busboy in the first place.

When I die, I hope people wear white tank tops stained with marinara sauce and hard liquor. It doesn’t matter what people look like at my funeral as I’ll be dead and the afterlife is fictitious. A funeral is a place to mourn, express gratitude for the departed, and flex Alexander Mcqueen apparel. There’s this pretense wearing black is a sign of respect for the deceased, dating all the way back to England in the time of the Roman Empire. Slavery was also around during the time of the Roman Empire for amusement and completion of menial tasks. I’m not comparing slavery to wearing black at funerals, but one should have been abandoned a long time ago.

The final question, which is undoubtedly the most important, “Why is underwear important?” A problem you wouldn’t be able to ask your poetry teacher for fear of disregard or worse, I will now attempt to answer. As much as there is a section of the population willing to go commando, most resort to wearing some form of clothing worn under pants, or in other terms, underwear. Comfort is the most reasonable verdict for those willing to adopt a lifestyle of undergarment wear. Underwear not only protects the front region of the pants from stains such as urine and other bodily fluids but it can also look cool. Just last year I bought a pair of underwear with shrimp scattered throughout. I still don’t have a girlfriend, but hey, shrimp underwear is astronomically better than any relationship.