How to Hoodwink Your Relatives and Get Away With It

The holiday season is fast approaching. For people battling defeatism on a daily basis, hell has arrived. The consumption of dried grapes or as some people call them, raisins, is more rapid than any other time of year and it’s putrid. The sudden adoption of people wearing bright colors like crimson red as if they think it looks good on them happens too often. Donating money to charitable organizations is suddenly cool again. I couldn’t think of a worse time of year besides spring where we have to deal with baby animals, the sky being blue, and green grass.

Everyone knows there is only one way to show people you love them, and that is by providing gifts with high monetary value or in the least, something with practical use. Bestowing your relatives is rudimentary and expected — the consequences that follow if not completed, death by guillotine. That was a joke. It’s not 1793 again. 1793, by the way, is a reference to the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution. Wow, historical jokes are hilarious. There is no way to escape the “Reign of Terror” from your relatives if gift giving goes ignored. Don’t fear. There’s this generous misconception that the gifts you give need to be so-called “good gifts” of quality value, they don’t.

Kitchen gadgets, more so, poorly constructed plastic gadgets, are inexpensive and readily available. Your local town dollar store will have a questionably scary spread of culinary contraptions waiting to be purchased as holiday gifts for your family. Your local town dollar store also sells new stick on stickers that can be easily used as reputable store-esque price tag markers. Go ahead and purchase whatever pointless kitchen gadget you think your relatives will hate the most as well as a packet of stick-on stickers. Once home, slap a “price tag” sticker wherever most noticeable on your kitchen appliance and with a black sharpie marker significantly inflate the original $1 price to read a value of $100 or more. If you want to get all crazy and wrap the gift in wrapping paper, go ahead. That said, I would not waste time and money. Instead, reuse the bag in which the dollar store bagged your items, but please, make sure to cross out any words indicating where the bag is from for your safety. I advise when presenting the gift to have a big smile on your face and make sufficient eye contact with the relative. Again, putting on a facade to make your relative feel as if you momentarily like them is ideal. Whatever relative you are giving the gift to will then reach into the bag and pull out the inflated dollar store kitchen appliance. A look of disappointment on his or her face will most likely follow. This is when you come in. Pretend as if you’ve just spotted for the first time the “price tag” in which you, yourself, have placed upon the gift. By saying “Oh no, I left the price tag on the gift by accident” while feverishly pointing to its inflated value, watch the expression of the receiving relative change. Original discontentment should turn into your relative sporting a facial expression featuring a big smile. If your relative is so happy that he or she feels the need to express physically how they feel in the likes of a kiss or hug suddenly pick your nose, this will disgust your relative and prevent physical contact.

You’re probably now wondering, “Wow, this is great advice and that I will now try with my own family but how do I determine a bad kitchen gadget from a good one?” Well, that’s the great thing from purchasing at your local town dollar store, they’re all terrible. The average lifespan of an acquired dollar store kitchen gadget should be no more than a year. This allows you to gift the same kitchen gadget as a replacement option when the holiday season returns. There is one prerequisite. To have a successful relative reaction, you must inflate last years price by $100.

Gadget Gift Examples:

For the uncle that tells corny jokes (lol) while also not being able to enjoy corn on the cob to due tooth erosion from chewing tobacco, consider purchasing this kernel remover.

There's always the issue of not making it to the dollar store due to traffic or personal issues. Don't worry, this is easily fixable. Instead go to any Connecticut middle school cafeteria to "borrow a spork". Getting past security is easy. Just explain that you need a spork to eat your chicken soup. Everyone has a love for chicken soup as it reminds anyone of their mother. Because of this, they'll be more than welcoming of letting a complete stranger into their middle school to "borrow" a spork. Not only is this a solid replacement option for not making it to the dollar store but it's 100 % free and your relatives will love it!